Wednesday, August 13, 2008

ramblings on life

in my humble opinion, the most dramatic scenes are all inspired by daily life. i don't deny that my own is as dramatic as 'days of our lives', with strapping young hunkadories, slutty ex-girlfriends, affairs, lacy lingerie, cat fights and the full works. c'est la vie. its really not like i have a choice but i wouldn't have live my life any other way.

just last evening i told daniel that "im going to be a better person". and cos i ever so often spurt crazy statements like that, he wasn't too surprised and retorted "better than who?". and my response, clear as day, "myself!" accompanied with my unbelivably incredulous look...because i decided that i won't make a big deal everytime im ill. the drama that comes with it only makes me wallow in self pity and feel worse. so i figured i have to make a headstart sometime. why not now, right? so i did. and i guess i must have been unconvincingly gutsy because daniel held me close and started tearing himself. (oh well, one can only try, right?) but truth is, mind over matter, baby. so im ok and i will be ok in no time.

i think it was evidently eating up my life during our short trip back to melbourne. one evening i decided that the pressure of knowing was too much and blurted that i knew that he brought gina back to melbourne during his last trip in Melbourne. and that i wanted to be there. i wanted to be the one visiting and i wanted to be the special first gal that his parents meet. however i wasn't (ouch. it hurts to speak about it even now)

and eventually realized that the bed in the guest room was the one she slept in. so in my fury, jumped right out in the cold and demanded all my belongings to be removed. i wanted nothing to do with the room or anything she did in the trip.

daniel did a wonderful job and patiently reassured me that he never compared the two of us and that our trips are definitely not the same. everyone knew that they were not an item last december , she behaved terribly and that she wasn't there to meet anyone, just there because the tickets were purchased and it was too much of a hassle to un-do it. but it still sucked because from dec till now, it has only been 8 month and im just number two. and everyone but myself knew about it. so i sulked a bit more. and got stressed and fell ill.. which was EVEN WORSE..

then everything came crumbling down. i wanted to go home. i wanted to have nothing to do with anyone, did not want to meet david khuu (just cos she was there when the boys hung out as well) it was just all the drama. and i told him that with all the occasion he told me i shouldn't lead people on and meet my exes, travelling with them and bringing them home is by far the worst. and that by not living what he preaches, it disgusts me. i still feel that way but i guess in retrospect there really ain't anything that he could have done or would have known. and most importantly, they broke up, didn't mess around, and he knew that they were nothing but just friend (or less as they stop speaking after the plane flight home). i started feeling better. but nothing leaves a shadow in your vacation more than an argument.. what more, over another woman! *sigh*

anyway, done deal. im not defending myself. i wish it didn't happen but i really need to deal with such things better. i guess its because i really am not too good to ex-relationships and to a large extent, she has definitely impacted my life. and if i could i would hate her as much as i do.

but looking ahead. i really should and have to be glad that daniel, as wonderful as he is, patiently sat next to me, cooed me to bed, tell me how wonderful i am and how much his family loved me, and showered me with so many hugs and kisses i did not deserve. i was so worried that after we touch down in singapore, he would just leave like he did on the last trip and never speak to me. but, we did not. we went home together, snuggled in and rolled in bed to celebrate our return. and i should be so happy that im blessed that way.

last night, i asked if he had ever been commitment phobic. and he said he was always worried that he was. but not with the right one. there is nothing to be afraid of. and held my hand so tightly like he meant it.i have a keeper there.  in all, melbourne was lovely. his family is wonderful and from them i can see why daniel has such a beautiful heart. makes me want to be better just for him. i love his family, everything about him, even when he is grumpy and to top it off, i really do love the person i am when im with him.

this is good.


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